My Right Foot.

My left foot has been rather cannabalised by vasculitis and is going another direction compliments of RA. I have had my left hip replaced. So you would understand how much I depend on my right foot. It still has all its toes and some arch.

My dear german shepherd Amber loves to play with anything she gets her paws and her mouth on. Her latest toys are her water bowls. She puts a foot one and drags it all around. She has this huge plastic water bowl. Its heavy but she has no problem picking it up and tossing it around. Lately, she has been carrying that bowl in when I call her into the kitchen for her food. She drops it in the kitchen and I push it out or carry it with difficulty out.

A few days ago she ran into the kitchen with the bowl in her mouth and dropped it - on my right foot! I screamed in pain and my bull terrier mix stopped eating in shock. I turned to scream at Amber and saw her eating, blissfully unaware of the pain she had caused me.

The foot became swollen and the pain became worse. I saw an orthopaedc surgeon and had an x-ray done of the foot. I wao lucky, it was not broken. How could I have managed with my good foot in a cast? Found out that my bones, at least of that food, are rather thin. I will have o do a bone density est soon.

The moral of my storey is that if you have just one good foot, keep that foot good And yes, stay away from german shepherds, dogs that is, bearing large, heavy bowls.

Life can still be Good.

A few nights ago, I attended a family wedding dinner. The family met in the morning for a little blessing service by a priest which was meaingful to all and then a champane toast.

It had not been a good start to my day for various reasons. Then the thought of the whole day before me was just overwhelming. I had to pack all my clothes, make-up etc and take it to my brother's house where I would need help dressing. This is something most fully abled people take for granted. It takes a lot of planning for me for events such as this. I have to make sure I take all I need.It is not as f I can jump into a car and drive home for what I have forgotten. Then there is the probem of undressing when I return home. It is hard enough getting out of loose clothes. A fitted evening dress is a near impossibility. I considered sending my apologies and feigning illness, I do have a chronic illness after all. As I have done many times before, I pushed depressive thoughts of how I would manage out of my head and got going.

How glad I am that I did. The morning was great, the night wonderful. The bathroom for the disabled on the floor the dinner was on, was not working, again. It was not working on the day I attended the tasting for this dinner. Do people care you could fall without a grab bar? Not the hotel staff who were there obviously. Well, on to more pleasant things.

It is usual for me at such events to skip the pre dinner cocktails and go directly in. I then sit and wait for everyone to come in. I met people I knew well as I walked it and stayed to chat, with them then with others. A very kind soul procured a chair for me and it became that much easier.

The rest of the night flew by. I actualy danced - for all of 10 minutes but enloyed the moves of the young and not so young but able. It was a great night with great people, especialy those I love. The undressing, shower so late wss not easy but a small sacrifice to make.

The moral of all of this - life can still be good for those of us with chronic pain and disability. It can even be great!

No Choice, Choice.

I have been told that I am brave. I do appreciate that compliment. It is a compliment of the highest for it is not easy being brave. I am brave they say, for going on despite my rheumatoid arthritis and my resulting disability.

Then I think that I am accepting a compliment under false circumstances. I am not really brave. There is no choice.

I carry on, plodding away and shuffling around because I have to. I did not choose to have RA or to have this disability. If I did not have a choice where is the bravery.

Then I do have some choice don't I? I can choose to let others take care of me. It would not be dishonest for me to let them. There is the pain, at times so much. It is so very difficult I think, not often.

That would not be who I am. I cherish my independence and I must always prove that I can do it. I always thought from young that the worst thing in life is to have someone take control over you. If that ever happens, I hope and pray that my mind would not know it.

So, there is always a choice. The alternatives avaiable to you may not be the best you would have chosen but they give you choice.

There is always a choice.

World Animal Day.

October the 4th is World Animals Day. It is the feast of St francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals and the environment on the Christian calendar. He wrote the famous "Canticle of the Creatures" a song praising all of creation including animals and praising God, the creator. He called animals his brothers and sisters.

He had a special bond with animals and loved them. Many of us also have a special bond with animals, especially with our pets. They give us the unconditional, unquestioning love that is unique.

When you have RA or any other chronic illness which lives you with disability which as a consequence leaves you alone with your pain and your thoughts for a substantial amount of time, a pet makes all the difference to your life.

All praise to our "brother and sister creatures"!

Freedom Part II.

In my last post I spoke of how I feel about my loss of freedom, with RA. It was depressing as I was feeling down, to say the least. Yes, much has been taken away from me.

Then, there is my mind. In my mind, I travel to strange lands and have the most wonderful adventures. My legs are strong and I stride over hills, down valleys. I lie next to rippling a brook and place my hand in the cool water. I look up at grapes hanging above and reach out one of my straight arms and twist off a succulent, sweet bunch. The juice drips from my mouth as I savour the sweetness. I walk down a cobbled street in Edinburgh and walk into a cafe. It is cold outside and I cup my latte with both hands. I watch the people passing outside with quiet happiness. All in my mind.

So fly in your mind even if you can only hobble with your body.

Freedom Part I.

I was watching a television show earlier and I suddenly felt this terrible sadness. I did not understand the reason for awhile. Then it struck me. I have lost so much of my freedom.

I can't dance like I want to, like I used to love to dance. I can't roll around with my dogs as I used to. I can't even get down to the floor even if my neck could take the roughhousing. I can't go out to my beautiful garden and plant organic vegetables. I can't read a book for too long anymore as my neck hurts and my arms hurt. I can't just take the car and drive to a Starbucks gor a latte. I can't go on holidays.

I need help for many things I do now. I cannot understand. I was stronger and more independent a little more than three years ago. I could walk to the shops across from my office alone, I could drive, albeit with pain. I exercise now, more than I ever did. What has happened.

I mourn this great loss. Today I feel this loss so much. Rheumatoid Arthritis, you have taken so much from me.

Mikey.

Mikey is my toy poodle. My daughter and I share his attentions. He is lying on the floor next to me while I type. Every time I get up from my chair, he gets up too, looking at me with anticipation. Poor thing, he wants to go to bed but he wont until I do.

You only get this kind of loyalty from a dog. A dog has the patience to sit and listen to you without any shore of boredom or irritation. How many times can you talk about your pain to a human being, even a family member, before eyes glaze over or that person starts feeling uncomfortable.

A dog knows no boundaries when it comes to his love for you. Mikey is prepared to wait all night if need be for me, to decide to go and sleep.

When I stumble, and I do that often, I curse and grumble at Mikey. He just looks at me and wags his tail. He knows I am not really blaming him. He is like Mary's little lamb who followed her everywhere. Mikey does that too and he looks like a little lamb.

So, if you have chronic pain like I do and need someone to show their care all the time, get a dog. I have three.