The Box

Sometimes, I feel as if I am in a box. The box keeps me in. At times it expands, allowing me room to stretch and not feel hemmed in. The box has holes which are my windows to the outside. I see the abundant green foliage and smell the wet grass and the rain when those windows when those windows open wide when my box grows tall and large.I see the birds and hear their songs. Life is still sweet. I sigh with contentment. At times it closes in and I find it hard to breathe. I push against its top and sides but they will not move. I despair. I stop pushing. I take a deep breath and pray and think. My body is trapped but my soul can fly.

A Twist of a Different Kind.

Have not posted for almosted a year. Life overwhelms you sometimes and when you have a nuisance of a chronic illness, there can even be an avalanche which buries you. Sometimes, you just want to crawl into yourself, tucking your head in like a tortoise, lifting your head ever so often for necessary interactions. You can function quite effectively in such a mode, you would be surprised.

I have managed my legal work rather well and my pets are not neglected. My daughter is more away than here. I have actually done some writing. Have completed two short stories but am mentally and emotionally blocked on my third. Thinking of putting that on hold and starting something new.

My rheumatologist and I have been rather pleased at how my RA has come under control I am down to one Arava a week. I managed to reduce painkillers to nil. Have wriiten before about my efforts at meditation.

The problem with my eyes have gone worse however with redness, swelling and pain almost fortnightly. Then my face appeared to be swollen frequently. At times, it was due to the damage to my jaw when I had a bit of a problem with chewing and even talking because of the constriction. Nothing however, will ever stop me from talking entirely - that you can be sure!

Then there was/is this swelling particularly under my right jaw. I did not put on the weight that could explain a double chin, and a one sided one at that. I may have a physical disability, have less than beautiful feet but I am vain. RA does not define me. I want to feel and look as good as I can. When you lose control over many aspects of your life, you cherish all the more, those remaining to you. Saw an ENT guy an opthamologist. Its my salivary gland that is causing that lump. Tried antibiotics as the first course of treatment as it may be an infection. After 10 days, the lump is reduced but not gone. The eyes are ok now. Put 2 and 2 together, read up on the internet and wonder if it is "Djorgen's Syndrome". Its an autoimmune disease which can also affect RA sufferers.

Will know tomorrow when I see my rheumatologist and get my blood tested. It is always a so 'pleasant' affair. Please cooperate veins!

In Part 2 of the plot, things just get worse. I will give the quick version. My daughter was threatened by a cowardly thug who blocked her car, refused to let her leave and tried to extort money from her. He damaged the car and its costing rather a bit to repair/replace. Went with her and a witness to the police station for a report to be made and both were interviewed by the inspector. This took more than 5 hours. It would not have been very pleasant for anyone, it was not for me. Walking to the car with the help of the friend, my 'good' foot twisted on itself on the very uneven surface. I pride myself on not screaming out loud. It would have caused not a few cops to come running. It was painful and that is an understatement. My jaw was clenched so tightly that it began to hurt too. Fast forward to the next day at the hospital when an xray showed that I had a fracture of the proximal phlanx of the big toe. The foot was swollen and bruised and the xray also showed the changes caused by RA. A fracture of a toe joint may not be a big deal but try it with RA and a lot of mechanical damage.

My twisting my foot has put my twist dance exercise on hold. I am not happy.